I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
