I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
The power of my boobs compel you
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
