I'm lost and stupid without you.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
birth control should be required to get into college
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
So I just went to clothing optional bar
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
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