I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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