I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
