my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
