so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am midnight drunk by noon
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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