I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
