life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Randomize
