Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
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