just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Randomize
