I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
