Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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