I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
what day is it and did you see me today?
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Randomize
