omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
