Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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