I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
