i already hear my dad disowning me
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Randomize
