I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
