the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
