I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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