It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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