Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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