So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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