I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
