Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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