We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Randomize
