Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Randomize
