my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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