Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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