i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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