Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
