my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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