seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
