i don't like sucking hair
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Randomize
