I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Randomize
