there's paper in my vomit.
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
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