If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
