I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
