I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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