I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
