I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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