Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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