it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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