but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
even my farts smell like vagina
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Randomize
