please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
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