One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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