The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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