i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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