Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
