My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
