I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I think weed is turning my hair brown
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Randomize
