How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
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