Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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