girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
