The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
