So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
