Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
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