Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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