he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
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She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
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I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
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