there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
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Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
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Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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