i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
