You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Randomize
