Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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