I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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