I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
