i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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