buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Just pee around me
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize
