Welp...herpes.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
